1. Ask your partner about their boundaries
One or two guys I dated in the past tried to "accidentally" slip it in the back door when we were in the midst of sex. I'm up for a lot of things when it comes to pleasure but the fact that they attempted anal sex without any discussion (or lube, for that matter) led to hurt feelings and a lot of distrust.
Lesson Learned? Never surprise your partner with something outside of the normal routine. Talk about it first and then prepare accordingly!
2. Kissing is important
I don't need a full on make out session before going at it, but kissing is a way to connect during the moment. That bastard at uni who avoided my lips because he didn't want things to get too serious made me feel like an object for him to get off on rather than a woman with feelings.
Lesson Learned? Make sure the person you're getting it on with knows how special they are to you. Yes, even if you are FWB, in that moment treat them with the respect they deserve!
3. You won't get off every time
I used to think bad sex always meant not cumming but that's not true. Bad sex is when you're so focused on the climax that you become disappointed and frustrated when it doesn't happen. After seven years of being sexually active I've realized that the best sex doesn't always end with the big O and that there are other ways to achieve it outside of our traditional definition of sex (hint - I mean oral.)
Lesson Learned? Good, mind-blowing, call-your-girlfriends-afterwards-to-tell-them-all-about it sex IS possible without an orgasm...or a penis!
4. Don't get embarrassed
Sex is wonderful because you're both naked and charged and ready to go, but that nakedness can also make you feel extremely vulnerable. During those years when I hated certain things about my body, sex brought up my deepest insecurities. I would only try certain positions, always kept the lights off, and immediately put my clothes back on after doing it. The sex became boring and then it became bad. Eventually I decided that, hell, if this guy is comfortable with stripping down to nothing then I should be too. It allowed me to be freer in bed and love my body for the things it could do and feel!
Lesson Learned? Remember that whoever has the privilege to see you naked is only thinking about how beautiful you are and not those barely noticeable stretch marks on your hips.
5. If something hurts, stop.
When I first began having sex I suffered under this belief that as long as he was enjoying himself, it didn't matter how I felt. It led to some very painful moments and just terrible, awful sex that I shudder to think about now. Around my 22nd birthday I told myself to speak up and be active in my own pleasure! That change in my outlook has made sex so much better for me and my man.
Lesson Learned? Sex is about BOTH partners. Never let their desires overshadow your own!
6. Make some noise
Scream, shout, let it all out! Some ladies, including myself in the first few months after I lost my virginity, get performance anxiety or fear that our "holy shit, this feels damn good!" noises are going to to freak out our partners. Well, screw it. The bedroom ain't a movie theater so swallow that megaphone and enjoy yourself!
Lesson Learned? Be noisy, girl! Your partner wants to know how great they're making you feel.
7. It's OK to be a prude
The worst sex I've ever had was when I felt cajoled into trying things that, in retrospect, I did not care to try. If good sex means missionary all the way through 'til the end, embrace it!
Lesson Learned? Great sex doesn't mean trying the latest fetishes. It's about being open about what YOU most enjoy.
8. Laugh
Oh my, when I think back on my first sexcapades at uni I cringe a little bit. I was SO SERIOUS. Every kiss, every grasp had to be this important, lovey-dovey moment that put a lot of pressure both me and the guy I was with at the time. I was so concerned with having it be special that it took me out of the moment. Now I've learned to just let go and smile, laugh, giggle, and even make (related) jokes during it!
Lesson Learned? Sex doesn't have to be serious every. single. time. It's one of the most fun things to do so you should be laughing throughout!
9. Stick to your birth control preferences
Never, and I mean, NEVER compromise on your definition of safe sex. If that means a condom + the pill then make sure the guy you're with knows that. Don't give into the pressure or sweet talk ("Oh, baby, I can just pull out...") because you'll be regretting it the entire time you're doing it, which leads to bad sex.
Lesson Learned? You will enjoy sex more when you're practicing safe sex!
10. Don't be selfish
Let's be real, a lot of guys are known for being selfish lovers. Because it takes a lot more effort for women to be aroused enough to achieve an orgasm, far too many men bypass the kissing, touching, and rubbing for penetration and cum in two minutes. These guys are selfish, dirty dogs I hopefully will never have to deal with that type of guy again. I know that sex takes two and that means my partner's pleasure is wrapped up in my own.
Lesson Learned? Don't leave your partner hanging. Always try to make them feel as good and wonderful as possible!
How has bad sex made you a better lover? Tweet us @sofeminineUK!
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