25 Things You Should Never Say To A Pregnant Woman

Nine months is a LONG time to put up with family and strangers rubbing your belly and asking you seriously personal questions. Talks of 'impending pain', 'piling on the pounds' and other 'pretty women', should be completely off limits, right? It would make life much simpler. So for all those friends and family with no filter, here’s 25 things you should never say to a pregnant woman.

1. "Does everything you wear have to be elasticated?"

Don’t ever judge an elasticated waistband. It’s the only way we can bend down.

2. "It can't hurt THAT much."

No uterus, no opinion. It's that simple.

3. "You’re going to have a big baby."

And you’re telling us this why? You better thank your lucky stars we can’t move fast enough to punch your lights out.

4."Was it planned?"

Well this is awkward. We might say no just to make you feel as uncomfortable as we are.

5. "Eating again are we?"

Mmm, let’s see… we have another person growing inside of us. What’s your excuse?

6. "Enjoy sleep whilst you can."

Ah, the words every expectant mother wants to hear.

7. "You’re getting really big now."

OK, just because we have a baby on the way, doesn’t mean we’re going to embrace every aspect of pregnancy. So you can keep the weight comments to yourself. And by you, we mean the mother-in-law.

8. "Are you going to breast-feed?"

Would you be offended if we randomly asked you if you wax your vajayjay? Well this is the same level of personal. Obviously we’re going to try but if someone hanging off our nipples doesn’t quite work out then we’re hitting the bottle and you better not judge us.

9. "It could be twins."

Oh please god no.

10. "Can I touch your belly? (that's IF they ask)"

We’ve only just met and you’re really just going to stroke my belly? No.

11. "Have you got any names yet?"

Back off lady. We have but we don’t want to tell you in case you steal them/mock them/make us change our mind.

12. "This beer tastes so good"

Yep, we’ve had no alcohol for months on end but you enjoy that beer darling.

13. "You look really tired."

Whoever told you that 'pregnancy glow' is a thing has never been pregnant. Believe it or not sleepless nights, throwing up round the clock and endless gyny appointments don’t really make us feel AMAZING.

14. Did Beyonce even have a baby?!

Why you are just asking for a slap in the face aren’t you! We didn’t look like her before the baby so we’re sure as hell not gonna look like her after.

15. "She’s really pretty."

Has One Born taught you nothing? Never mention pretty women in front of us and definitely not to us. We will kick off and ugly cry at you.

16. "They didn’t have cherry pie so I bought you cherries instead."

You’re about to see a very, very different side to us. And it ain’t pretty.

17. "Hurry up."

Forgive us, waddling is the only way we can get around these days. Who’s bright idea was it to go for a country walk anyway?

18. "It must be a boy."

Give over, we know that’s pregnant talk for you’re HUGE and for that we hope it is a boy so we can send him round on his 18th birthday to kick your ass.

19. "Is your partner big?"

It's fine, we’ll tell him to give up the rugby.

20. "Look who's crying again."

If we want to cry into a pillow because you've only given us one back rub ALL day then so be it. Let. It. Slide.

21. "You're pregnant, not ill."

And the award for the most unsympathetic ass-wipe goes to...

22. "You pick the nursery colours."

It takes two to tango and it takes two to pick a nursery colour. You better show some enthusiasm if you want to make it to fatherhood.

23. "Are you feeling ok?"

We're probably the same as the last time you asked. Sleep deprived, emotional and sick of having the same conversations over and over. In fact you should stop asking us this for your own safety.

24. "Any news?"

Oh that'll do it. If you haven't already seen what a pregnant woman looks like when she's about to lose her sh*t then here's one quick way of finding out.