As a woman, you might find yourself taken aback by Jack Hutson's no filter approach to discussing relationships. He might even come across as crude and obnoxious at times. You'll think, "Who the hell is this guy and what gives him any authority?" He has an answer for you:
"I’m the guy that has slept with hundreds of women, and taught every one of them to give head like a decent girl should. And that’s the only reason you should listen to me."
After having one too many botched experiences, he has decided women need"real-life advice" without "sugarcoating". That led to his how-to guide, "Jack’s Blowjob Lessons". He says it's a secretly guarded treasure of women worldwide. It's what they use to procure any man they desire.
He wants us to know that the importance of head should not be underestimated. "Great blowjobs are like relationship insurance," He says. "They can save or strengthen your relationship. Who knows, they could even change the world. A blowjob revolution might be the answer to world peace."
While he says that last part in jest, he does believe good oral is a reliable deterrent to divorce. Note that there's emphasis on good, as obligatory fellatio isn't enough to keep a man satisfied. In his experience so many women get it wrong, due in no small part to their partners, who are so terrified of hurting her feelings, they'll say it was great when it wasn't. It's just better to tell the truth, guys!
Now that we've established that honesty is the best policy, what do guys REALLY think while you're giving them head?
Here is the stone-cold truth in Jack's own words (remember we said he has no filter ok?):
1. “Holy cr#p! A blowjob!? Is it my birthday already?”
For many men, blowjobs are as rare as an albino whale. Almost any blowjob is better than no blowjob at all – so if he’s okay with only seeing blowjobs on porn, he’ll celebrate a real blowjob like a winning lottery ticket.
2. “I wish I didn’t have to beg for it like a starving street dog”
Gwyneth Paltrow has a point when she votes “Yes!” for blowjobs. Energetically, men feel like losers when they have to hint, ask, or even beg for a blowjob. But then again, most men will do almost anything for a blowjob.
Yep, almost anything – so feel free to get creative with your requests.
3. “She’s definitely relationship material...”
If you go down on him, and you do so often, because you want to – not because he asked, he’ll think of you as relationship material. Men love women with a pleasing personality.
4. “My ex girlfriend was so much better... ”
Men continually compare you to their past sexual experiences. If his ex swallowed happily (and you bet he loved it!), while you don’t even want to consider the option – we’ve got a serious problem. He might just view you as a spare tire. Ready to replace you at the drop of a hat. Sad, but true. Men don’t like going backwards sexually.
5. “Wow, there's a God after all.”
On the other hand, if his ex had a “no-blowjobs” policy, then he’ll be happy with whatever he can get (see #1), and if that something is top-notch, he’ll think of you as an Angel that fell from the sky and landed on her knees right in front of him. Hallelujah!
6. “I’ll burn in hell!”
If he’s religious, and your blowjobs are the way they should be – deep, dirty, and dangerously erotic – he’ll believe he’s destined for hell, because he’ll love every second of it. Who cares, it’s worth it! After all, you only live once.
7. “I wish I had life insurance!”
If he’s thinking about burning in hell, it’s because your blowjobs are so hypnotic he thinks he might get a heart attack and die right then and there. Too bad his life insurance doesn’t cover death by receiving head. You’ll still probably end up on TV: “Crazy Woman Killed Guy With Her Mouth.”
8. “What a view!”
If you think positions don’t matter, think again. Blowjobs are about power. A worshipping position is way more attractive than one that’s not. The difference between an “okay” blowjob and a fantastic one is in the details, details like whether you’ll be in a “boring housewife” position or on your knees in front of him standing, so you’re as low as possible. This makes him feel worshipped while having a perfect view of all your assets: boobs, booty, and pumps.
9. “I hope she doesn’t go zombie on me”
When you’re giving head, you’ve got complete control over this guy’s destiny. You command total pleasure or horrible pain – like chopping his penis off and tossing it out the window of a moving car. When you’ve got your hungry lips deep around his penis – every guy wonders – “what if, she just goes insane all of a sudden and bites it off?” Hey. I watched a lot of movies.
10. “I wish she’d turn the lights on, and come out from under the cover”
Men are visual. If you’re shy and hiding, that won’t make a blowjob better. On the contrary, you risk him thinking about that other chick or some porn star instead of seeing you. Confidence is key. Fake it if you must. Even if you’re not that good now, take your time, relax, have fun with it. Every sane guy will appreciate you practicing on him, if he doesn’t, he’s not worth your time anyway. Dump him.
11. “OMG. I hope it’s just talent, not experience.”
He wants you to be that innocent princess so he can be your knight in shining armour and save you. But if you’re the uni chick that slept with the entire footie team, he’ll have a hard time trying to accept and appreciate your miraculous blowjob skills. He’ll hope you’re just a blowjob natural – and that’s exactly what he should think. Amplify your innocence, act as if you’re not quite sure what you’re doing – even though you are - so it seems as if this is a secret naughty side of you that exists only because of and for him. Trust Jack, guys get off on this kinda stuff.
12. “What is she thinking about?”
Believe it or not, most guys are thinking about what you’re thinking about. The only time guys can correctly “read your mind” is during a blowjob. And what we think you are thinking about directly influences how a guy perceives your blowjob. How you feel is how he’ll feel. The best thing you can do is to not think – instead – just feel. Tune your brain out. Logic and thinking kill the mood. He shouldn’t think that you’re thinking about anything. But if you do... here’s what he’ll be thinking:
13. “I shouldn’t say a word... she’s focused on this important project... like a rocket scientist”
If you’re one of those nerdy chicks that views blowjobs like a science, and you’ve read all those tips and tricks online, you’ll be making the “rocket scientist working on an important project” face while giving head. He’ll notice... and he won’t like it. Your blowjobs will seem emotionless, even robotic. It’s like getting a blowjob from R2D2 from Star Wars.
14. "She wants to get it over with"
If you’re going down on him just because you’ve heard “that’s what you should be doing” – he’ll notice – and, again, he won’t like it. If the thoughts “Why didn’t he come already?” or “Am I doing it right?” are crossing your mind while giving head – that’s the same stuff he’ll be thinking about. You’ll just be in a hurry to get him off and he’ll feel pressured to come quicker – the result? Probably nothing. Once he starts thinking, it’s game over.
15. Don’t come in my mouth... ?
“Did she just say that? – What a bummer. She seemed like a nice girl.”
16. “I wish she’d let go...”
Hey, you’re already giving him head – why go half way? If he sees you’re holding back and acting like a nice girl, it’s just not cool. He wants you to unleash your inner slut and be fearless. Men love it when you’re a lady on the streets and a slut between the sheets – stop being nice in bed, instead – be hungry, act foolish – love every second of it... and he’ll do the same. Now, if you do manage to let go, relax, and start having fun, he might think about entirely different things while you’re giving head.
17. “Where was this woman all my life?”
The key to great blowjobs is to do what (most) other women don’t, or are not willing to do. This may even be a simple thing, like gently playing around with his balls in one hand, or licking them erotically and getting all sloppy (the wetter the better). Or instructing him to cherish you with his love-potion all over your beautiful face. Do any of these and he’ll wonder where you were all along.
18. “She’s a magician! Now you see it, now you don’t!”
If you can, and are willing to deep throat, he’ll cherish you like a drop of water in the desert. His eyes will pop out in disbelief as you make his entire penis magically disappear in your mouth. Girl... Dynamo is an amateur compared to you. The deeper you can go the longer your relationship will last.
No joke.
19. “Are those tears of joy or what?”
Many men have mildly sadistic fantasies when receiving a blowjob. They want to relive all the crazy stuff they see in porn or have experienced before. Like “throating” or basically (ab)using your mouth. If you’re so dedicated to go as deep as possible that your eyes start to water – he’ll view those as tears of joy. Just make sure you smile at the end.
20. “Wow. She’s starving. That’s how love feels.”
Nothing makes a guy enjoy a blowjob more than when he sees hunger (for his penis) in your eyes. Attitude is everything.
To quote Hank Moody from "Californication" when describing a perfect blowjob:
“It was as if the act itself was rejuvenating to her. It was as if she were dying of thirst and my c*ck were the fountain of everlasting youth.”
And how do you make him feel like that? Moan, go deep and sloppy, talk dirty, and lick all over his penis, balls, and beyond (heard about rimming?). Be fearless.
21. “She’s definitely marriage material.”
Mmmm... I want to taste you and swallow every single drop... will you please cum down my throat?
“Am I hallucinating? Did she just actually say that? Did I hear please?”
If you’ve said that last sentence, his mind is in meltdown mode like a power plant. His crotch is swimming in your saliva of appreciation... he’s ready to put a ring on your finger - if he survives, of course.
Just to be clear, I’m not responsible if he passes away. Never forget, with great power comes great responsibility.
Do you agree with Jack? Tweet us @sofeminineUK!
This article was written by Cliché. Follow her @CalamityCliche.
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